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Abnormal enigma. [18 Aug 2015|11:47pm]
I am not afraid of being sick or getting sick anymore.
I'm afraid of the pain of long procedures.
I'm afraid of the infections and emergency action because "something went wrong".
I'm afraid of bed rest.
I'm afraid of surgery.
I'm afraid of feeling dizzy and vomiting in shallow pales.
I'm afraid of stiches and gauze.
I'm afraid of blood transfusions.
I'm afraid to tell people how terrified i am.
I'm afraid of my pain falling on deaf ears.
I'm afraid people are going to look at my troubles as their inconvenience.
I'm afraid that even if im ok today, what will i be a year from now.
I'm afraid my biggest fear is growing inside me and will eventually make its move.

I'm afraid the doctors who told me i was going to die young were right.
Even though i know their wrong.

dumb part two. [30 Apr 2015|02:28am]
I always thought it would just be better this time.
thAt id be smarter or Quicker.
But im just as dumb.
in love.

learning and burning. [07 Jan 2015|12:45pm]
26 was good.
I madr alot of new friends.
Rekindled some old friendships i needed
Lost touch with a few of my best friends
But found comfort in knowing the girl whos always been there
Always will
Found safety with a complete maniac who came and went within a month,
But left me with the realization of what and who i want.
Alot of this past year i spent trying to prove that i could get attached to someone new or hold onto something new when really i needed to just let the good things and people in my life stay there and appreciate them instead of fighting for people who dont.
This past week put a lot into perspective.
Im so thankful for the people who make the time to be part of my life
And for those who dont, well its time to let those bridges down!

nope. [01 Jan 2015|08:28am]
I always thought i was one of the guys
Apparently i was just one of the girls guys wanted to fuck.
Even my best friend doesnt talk to me because he has a lady now.
Good to know i was just a hole to fuck

can I make it better with the lights turned off. [21 Nov 2014|09:46am]
I have a constant battle in my head over my lifes worth.
The same things that make me want to do live explore more are the same things that might kill me.

The battle comes in like waves and its aleays high tide.

[18 Nov 2014|02:42pm]
I spent ten years "knowing what i want"
Excuse me while i spiral out of control now that i dont.

all in (two) [02 Nov 2014|11:25pm]
I live life like i play poker.
Im either all in or all out.
There is no gray area.
I put it all on the table
Or i walk away from it.
And when i think it may be a bad idea but im enjoying the game
I just put on a poker face and ride it out anyways.

Im just sitting here upping the ante.

leaving love. [02 Nov 2014|05:37am]
Ten years ago on a halloween i told all of my friends that i loved him.
It was the first time i actually felt in love.
He was the only guy i ever loved.
At least in that way.
It was the kind of love that was indestructable
It was the kind of love that makes you blind
And dumb
It was the kind of love that when it left i couldnt function
This morning while he was driving us home i looked at him
I stared at the face that i already had memorized
I heard his laugh that i missed so much
And i realized for the first time that im not in love with him
It feels so weird...
But kind of nice

when there's no where to go [30 Oct 2014|08:49am]
I have an issue with beingneither a completely detached sociopath who doesnt have feelings or emotions or love or a past or trust
An all in, blind to warning signals, here's it all, everhthing ove ever felt. Thought. Done.
Completely nieve, optimistic, head in the clouds.
...sadly, im always the wrong person for the wrong people,
So here goes nothing and im hoping for the best.
All in.

[24 Sep 2014|01:20pm]
There are a lot of good people in my life so I don't knoq I waste time with the bad ones.
If you get drunk and decide I'm the person your going to take your aggression out on
Or if I make you a priority but I'm not one of yours
If you come to me every time your relationship is shitty but my actual life doesn't really matter to you
If you and I have a one sided friendship get ready for it to be a none sided friendship.

I have really good people in my life and I love them and they love me.
So if youre a Felicia, goodbye

nothing can [19 Sep 2014|09:52am]
I hate that we are a big mistake.
All I remembered was running from the cops and nin

everything, will be alright. everything. [11 Sep 2014|10:48am]
I know everything is going to be fine
But between work,
My shitty love life
And all the drama with my "friends"
I just really didn't need something else to worry about.
Because I can forgive everything people do to me.
I can be supportive of everyone else
I can be strong and understanding
And loving.
But when I notice I'm starting to fall apart I don't know what to do
Or who to go to
I'm completely and totally over reacting....
But I can't help but freak out,
I no longer trust my body.

the stages of grieving. [21 Jul 2014|02:24am]
I don't know when or how it happened
Or how I let it happen.
But I slowly stopped caring.
Stopped being crazy
I was just quiet and comfortable
And miserable.
But in love?
Or just loyalty.
And I'm not sure when I died inside
But I remember mourning.
I remember the realization that I wasn't myself anymore
I remember feeling like the sun inside me had died.
I remember when the lights went out and I was ready to give up.
I remember getting better and being terrified.
I remember fighting to be happy
Hating trust
Resenting love
Forgetting lust
Losing passion
Giving up on faith.
Hurting inside
Feeling hollow
Letting go..

What I dont remember is what made me let it go.
Embrace my pain
Let go of my hurt
...and become myself again.
It has been a bad year, I know, but I haven't been this happy in years.
I'm just ready to trust blindly, love stupid and know that the company I keep will be there if shit hots the fan... Again.

I'm happy.

iron and wine. [26 Jun 2014|07:49am]
New adventures are exciting.
Having someone willing to go on them with you are even better.
Drinking tequila on an empty beach was pretty sweet too.

[25 Jun 2014|03:21pm]
I don't think I'm running from things as much anymore
I feel like I'm running to things.

crocodile tears. [20 Jun 2014|05:51pm]
It really bothers me when people thnk my positive attitude is fake.
Don't really have time to care about that though.
I'm really happy.
And crushing hard.
And super excited about up coming events
I just want the people I love to be as happy as I am
And if they're not
I just want to help them get there.
Or for them to stfu about it.

I understand now that I don't see you. [14 Jun 2014|09:47am]
A crowded bar
Full of people I'm friends with
Guys I know who jus want to sleep with me
Girls who don't really talk to me
...and them.
The only two guys to ever get under my skin.
So of coarse I spend the whole note with them
Talking, smiling
Buying each other shots.

And I didn't feel a god damn thing.
...fuck ya.
Also stole one of their credit cards.

holy fuck...fucccck. [07 Jun 2014|09:22pm]
I met him early last week and was instantly knocked on my ass
I had a really good dayday todat
Being crazy making new friends
Drinking free booze.
And it was all because I met him
And it went so well.
If he didn't turn out so awesome I wouldn't have gone today
I've spent the last year afraid,
But I'm not anymore
Because I met him.
And it instantly knocked me on my ass
.. Eeeee

fuck me once, shame on you. fuck me twice, they'll never identify your body. [07 Jun 2014|02:30am]
Maybe I'm doing what everyone else is.
Maybe I am growing up
Maybe I am ready to change my life a little bit
And I won't just date one of my exes.
Or just hang out with the same friends
Or keep working the same job
In the same town.
And live
In the same house
My goal was to move in a year,
Get the fuck out of here
Move out
Have fun.
Say fuck it to everything
And everyone.

And then that shit happens,
And his smile is so awkward and pretty.
Worth holding onto.
Gonna move on and hold on.

hurt today... love tamales. [03 Jun 2014|02:56am]
Why should I trust anyone
If I can be completely me with someone and find out it was bullshit
Why give someone an inch?
So they can run me ragged for a mile?
...been there
Done that...
Eveeytime I feel safe someone finds a way to make me feel like shit about it.
Fuck it.
From here on out I know what I want.
I'd rather take all the risks in the world and feel all the pain than keep being afraid.
i just want to love someone again.

I just want to love someone again.
Just...want... That.
One more amazing time.

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